I had a rough week two weeks ago. On all fronts. If you know me in real life you know that we’re in the middle of a minor house change…not a real renovation..but a major change nonetheless less.

With our kids getting older we knew it was only a matter of time until they’d need their own rooms. Unfortunately our house is officially a two bedroom abode and while moving has always been in the back of our minds now is just not the time to even try. So the only option was to give up my horn studio space. It’s not really a room. There are walls and windows but almost no privacy as there are windows looking into the room from the old ice box door and the old back door the the house, and definitely no closet. It’s also small. But it was MY favorite place in the house. After living here for over 15 years I had finally gotten it to a place that I really enjoyed, with a big comfy chair for reading and score studying, bookcases for organizing and my desk for doing all the home office things. The best part was that it could be shut off from the rest of the house via a door between it and the kitchen and since it’s the enclosed porch on our Chicago Bungalow it was separated from the rest of the house by three layers of Chicago exterior brick. I could go back there, shut my door and get work done no matter what else was happening in the rest of the house. When Super and I started to talk about HOW we get our kids their own spaces (they have really been grinding on each other and subsequently us) using my studio space was the first thought.

To be fair, I haven’t actually been practicing in my studio for the entire last season. For my daily practice I had moved into our living room which has higher ceilings and is a much larger room in general. Perfect for when everyone was out of the house at school and work, but when everyone was home I definitely headed to my beloved office and it has been hard to let that space go. Both mentally and physically. This last week all the stress of it sort of cumulated and I just sort of collapsed.

Since the end of the school year we’ve been working on this room change. One kid is moving to my old studio the other is taking over their old shared room. There’s things to move, beds to take apart, new beds to put together, closets to make, fake walls to design, electricity to move…and then there’s the decorating! Even though we told the kids it would take a month, minimum, to see the bulk of the work done I somehow didn’t think it would really take as long as it has or cost as much.

Then there’s the fact that EVERYTHING in that office had to go somewhere else. We keep joking that this is just one giant Tetris game…except it isn’t fun. We have half of the home office strewn about the dining room. I have the bulk of my horn studio in a new corner in the basement but nothing is actually put away. Visually our usually “pretty” home is pure chaos and I feel like it is slowly suffocating me.

But if that weren’t enough I can’t seem to get any “space” to focus on my horn. We have a pretty active summer schedule this year. Purposely so. And overall it’s been good but I really need an hour, minimum, a day to just sit and play. And now I constantly have kids in my space, my husband is walking around, there’s banging on things, reorganizing cords, etc. and I’ve never longed for my sun lit studio more. Ugh.

Summers are hard for musicians in general because the work is an all or nothing type of thing. You are most likely playing “summer shows” which are usually HEAVY pops type concerts with one rehearsal (two if you’re lucky) usually on the same day and in excruciating heat and humidity. But when you add to that that you can’t seem to get the horn on your face the other six days of the week when you’re not working it just kills what little moral you had left.

And that’s where I was that week. I spent the bulk of my week running kids around. Building furniture, ordering supplies, moving crap from one pile to another. Thursday afternoon I told everyone I needed to play because I had a rehearsal the next morning. I set my living room practice area up. Spit mat? Check. Metronome? Check. Water bottle? Check. I sat on the couch as the chaos continued around me, put my horn to my face, took a deep breath…and played. As I worked my way through my usual warm up the tears started streaming down my face. I was tapped out. It’s not like it sounded terrible. But it definitely felt terrible. It had been a few days since I had put mouthpiece to face. But mentally I was mad at myself for not making more time. For letting these distractions bother me to the point of not getting the work done. There is no “cramming” when it comes to endurance on a wind instrument, and I was worried about making it through my Friday morning rehearsal. I never want to be the person that brings a group down. I started spiraling and the tears followed.

P saw the tears falling down my face and instantly knew. And she tried so hard to cheer me up…“You sound really good Mommy.” And honestly, I know I sounded just fine. But what realized is that I have not been making the time for myself, setting boundaries with my own family, and setting my own self up for success. Playing isn’t just something I do for work but it’s so engrained in me it’s how I unwind. It’s how I remind myself of who I am. It’s literally part of my identity. It’s so easy for me specifically to get invested in other things and forget that playing and having that time and space away make me better at the other things, like being a good wife and mom.

Super reminded me that when you’re on a plane they tell you that in an emergency you need to secure your own oxygen mask before assisting anyone else, including your children. I know this…but had clearly forgotten. I suppose at the end of the day it was a fairly soft way to remind myself of a very important lesson. I am so scheduled with the kids’ time…I need to remember that it’s OKAY to also be scheduled with my own time and to make sure others respect it as well.

Here’s to a better weeks ahead.